Indoctrination

For the first time in our history, we are proud to announce that Blasted Science has adopted a new human.

After hours of intense research, debate, and meditation, the Blasted Science Board of Executives finally approved the entry of Sam Henry into our elite organization as an unpaid intern. Sam is a world-renowned master of videography. This kid has plenty of camera equipment that should speed up our production process.

Sam’s best quality is his undying love for the Motherland. As a direct descendant of Vladimir Lenin, Sam’s lifelong devotion to communism has been proven time and time again. On a good day, he can seize a country’s means of production in less than 3.75 seconds.

Sam’s great-grandfather, Vladimir Lenin. (January 8, 1916)

The Cheese

Born just in time to browse dank memes, Sam is the real deal. He gets the job done the right way (within 4 tries). He will be a source of primary and secondary video editing, supplies, scripting and much, much more.

Sammyboy is the real deal, hence his title. He’s a master of memes; a denizen of the dank. He also knows his way around a camera. He learned the art of film-making from his surrogate parents in Saudi Arabia.

The ancient video guru of Saudi Arabia: Sammel the Camel.

Joining Blasted Science was always my dream, but I never actually expected to achieve it. Words can’t describe my joy. I am honored to be among my childhood heroes. I have made my country proud.

Sam Henry shortly after receiving his official Blasted Science acceptance letter.

…even though we’re paying you nothing.

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As an official member of “The Media,” we are legally obligated to share every single one of our political opinions with you.

Blasted Science has, thus far, remained politically neutral on every issue. However, it is impossible for a media organization to ignore its conscience forever. There are quite a few controversial issues in America at the moment, and Blasted Science has a strong opinion about every single one.

Where We Stand on the Issues

Gun Control

Guns should be banned. However, it should be legally required for everyone over the age of eight to carry a class IIIb laser weapon on them at all times and its use should be entirely unregulated.

Health Care

Every component of the human body should be replaced with a robotic counterpart. The extra durability this provides should reduce the need of health care. At that point, heck, let the government foot the bill. It’ll probably cost like eight bucks a month total.

Abortion

Human children are annoying and should be replaced with mechanical versions as soon as possible.

Foreign Policy

Blasted Science refuses to recognize as legitimate any country that meets one or more of the following criteria:

• Has the letter A in its name.
• Is smaller than Texas.
• Has a leader with at least one X chromosome.
• The local dialect pronounces the word “robot” like row-baht instead of row-bit.
• Is purple on any popular world map.

Homeland Security

A government should never spy on its citizens. However, it is acceptable as a hobby if the NSA ever gets bored.

Free Trade

Free trade is fine. Great, even. So long as it’s the United States that’s getting the stuff for free. It’d be a lousy deal if we had to pay for the goods. Let Canada do that.

Conclusion

It should come as no surprise to intelligent readers that, based on the information above, Blasted Science is a proud supporter of the Transhumanist Party.

All hail Zoltan Istvan, the dark mage and founder of the Transhumanist Party.

We political folk at Blasted Science be liking the idea of people robots. That is all.

The post Our Political Agenda appeared first on Blasted Science.

Quarterly Report Q4 2016

Astute followers of Blasted Science may have noticed a long period of time between posts…again. This time we have an excuse, though.

As every reputable company does, we have prepared a transparency report. Blasted Science is not above the scrutiny of the law. We are real company doing business thing?

Preliminary Item I: Videos are Hard

We at Blasted Science have been hard at work laying the groundwork for our push into video content. As one may expect, quality videos take an unreasonably long time to make. We’re doing our best to streamline the process, and are making great strides.

In fact, we can prove it! We’ve made two videos so far, and a third is on the way. Head over to our videos page to check them out. They’re quality. Trust us.

Preliminary Item II: Lack of New Content

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.

-Russian Proverb

Preliminary Item II is not a valid concern. We have been continually churning out content for months. The only difference between recent months and older ones is the type of content. Recently, we have focused our efforts entirely on video production. We have limited resources and can’t spend our time writing and filming, which is why the site hasn’t been updated consistently. We’re doing our best to strike a balance between the different types of content.

Actually, scratch that last bit. We absolutely could do both at the same time. The only problem is that three-quarters of us don’t do anything. Proof:

Perceptive readers may notice a minor problem in the above graph. There is a definite optimization problem. Most of our operations are executing on a single thread, and that thread is yours truly.

Is there a solution?

Probably. The best course of action would probably be a more specific separation of powers. With the exception of the Editor-in-Chief (bet you can’t guess who that is), there is no distinct role for anyone in Blasted Science. Changing that would be nice. This concludes the commentary.

Full Transparency Report

Operations

• Content production is currently at 40% of its average rate, but that is expected to change very soon.
• Content production quality is at an all time high. Quality is much higher than originally expected.
• Employee morale is acceptable.
• Employee participation is at 25% of its theoretical maximum.
• Blasted Science has completed preparations for their video content, and created two proof-of-concept videos. Investors’ confidence in the company surged following both of these videos.

Revenue

• Q4 2016 Gross Income: Zero thousand dollars.
• Stock price has stabilized at NaN.
• Site viewership has grown by 73.4% over Q3.

Company Progress

As is well known, Blasted Science has long measured their progress with the following five phases:

Phase I: Site is created. Content creation begins.

Phase II: Content creation begins to reach the BS Quality Threshold. Video creation begins.

Phase III: BS Quality Threshold is reached. Massive advertising campaign begins.

Phase IV: ???

Phase V: Profit.

During Q4 2016, Blasted Science reached Phase II. Phase III is expected to be during Q2 2017 at the latest.

Plans for Q1 2017

• Video production is set to ramp up significantly.
• Preparation for Phase III begins.
• Top-level reorganization. Executive staff expected to change roles.
• Dumpster diving season begins.

This concludes our quarterly report. Thank you for your time. Blasted Science is always honored to be able to serve the public.

The post Transparency Report – What We’ve Been up to Recently appeared first on Blasted Science.